Things you should never say

Lately, I've been stewing over a couple negative comments that were made to Jonny and I directly (and some behind our back).  Do I say something back?  Do I smile and kindly move on?  Yeah, probably so...  I am totally guilty of sticking my foot in my mouth.  Then the other night, I came across this post from a blog I like to read.  She's a mom of 11 (no, that wasn't a typo.  She has 11 children.)  Some are adopted, some are biological.  She and her husband love Jesus.  I like to read about their crazy (in most people's eyes) life and see their godly priorities.  Anyway, below I have copied and pasted most of her post.  Most of the "things you should never say" are hers, but I added a few of my own.  If you want to read her whole post, its here.  Enjoy, and lets all be slow to speak!!
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I have pretty much heard it all when it comes to my big family. People say some pretty interesting and sometimes hurtful things to us. Sometimes it is strangers, sometimes it is people we know and love. None the less, it is annoying and hurtful all the same.

But, it isn't just our family or big families that are the target of people saying or asking rude questions. In fact the more I talk about this with others, the more I realize that almost everyone is a target.

So, my hope is to help educate people. Perhaps you have unknowingly said one of these things. It's okay. We all say things we shouldn't say. But, I think we can all learn to be more careful in our choice of words.

Things you should never say. Ever.

* Never, ever ask a women if she is pregnant. She could be overweight. She could have an illness, or she could have diastasis like me.

* Never ask a big family if "they know how that happens". It's crude. No one wants to discuss their sex life with a stranger... or some relatives.

* Never ask an adoptive family which ones are their "real kids".  All children are real.

* Never ask an adoptive family if the children are "real brothers and sisters".  Siblings are siblings no matter how they became that way.

* Never ask a childless couple when they are going to have kids. They could be trying. They could be infertile. They may not want children.

*Never ask a couple who are pregnant again where they are going to put "it".  First of all, "it" is not a piece of furniture to find space for.  Second of all, "it" is a baby, please refer to "it" as such.  Third of all, its not nice to insult someone on the size of their home. 

* Never say to a big family, "Your house must be huge". Usually our homes are not. 

* Never ask a single person why they are still single. It's rude!

* Never ask if the black child in a family is from Africa. Not all black adopted children come from Africa.  

* Never ask someone how much money they make. Period.

* Never say, "You're only having two?"  to a couple.  A couple's family planning is between them and God.




*  Never respond to news of another pregnancy with a disgusted or pitied, "I can't even imagine!"  Its not a disease diagnosis, a child is a gift from God!

* Never talk about your negative feelings of someone's pregnancy with a mutual friend or relative.  Most likely, the gossip will get back to the expecting couple and be hurtful.  


* Never ask a dating couple when they are going to get married.  Awkward!

* Never, even in jest, ask a couple if they are "done". I don't care how many kids they have. It's none of your business.

* Never tell a new Mom how to take care of her baby. She will figure it out herself like we all do. 

* Never offer unsolicited disciplinary advice to a Mom with a child who is out of control. You don't know if that child has autism, ADHD, RAD or just having a hard time... that Mom may very well be doing the best she can. 

*Never offer unsolicited parenting advice, whether a child is acting out or not.  Just don't!

* If a child is melting down in a public place, don't stare. Move on. Again, you have no idea what that child may mentally be dealing with. 

* Never ask a homeschooling Mom how she manages to teach all of her children. Teachers have 25-35 students each day they have to teach and they aren't even her own kids.
 
* Never ask an adoptive parent how much their child "cost". Families who don't mind sharing that info will be open about it, otherwise, if you're really interested, do some adoption research.

* If a pregnant woman looks very pregnant, never say "You look ready to pop."  She may have months left to go.

* Never, ever tell a pregnant woman she looks like she is carrying twins. She probably isn't.

*  Never tell a childless couple how great having a baby is. Again, they may be infertile.
* Never tell new parents all of the horror stories of being a parent.

* Never tell a newly pregnant woman all of the horror stories of birth.

* Never ask an adoptive Mom about her children's birth parents, especially in front of the child. Things like Why didn't they want him? Or Why was she given up?  Those comments are hurtful to the child and often times the adoptive parent prefers to keep the information on the birth parents private. 

* Never tell a woman who miscarried that "It was for the best because the child probably had issues."  or "You can always have another one."  Its insensitive.

* Never ask a parent with children of only one gender "Are you going to keep trying for a girl (or boy)?" or "I bet you wish you had a girl (or boy)!" Especially, in front of the kids.

*Never apologize or say, "Oh no!" to a couple who finds out they're having their 3rd, 4th, or 5th boy (or girl) in a row.  If you really feel upset about it, take it up with God.

* Never say (with a must suck to be you sort of attitude), "You sure do have your hands full!".  How about, "What a house full of blessings you have!" 

Remember that line from Bambi?

"If you can't say nothin' nice, don't say nothin' at all!!" 

Magic number?

For about two years now, Jonny and I have been having asking each other the same question over and over.  We ask what the magic number for our family is?  This question seems to be answered so easily by some, but not for us.  How do we know when we're done?  What's the secret to knowing your family is complete?  

Do we make the decision in the heat of chaos & havoc?  If that's the case, we should have been done after two.  Do we make the decision based on money?  If that's the case, maybe just maybe we'll have financial peace with a decent savings account when we're 60!  (But I'm hoping Jesus will come back for us by then!)  Do we make the decision to have one more when they're all in bed- unconscious & adorable?  If that's the case, how could we ever be done?  Do we make the decision when our family vehicle has no more available seat belts?  If that's the case, we could just trade it in for a bigger rig!  Do we make the decision when we feel life is overwhelming?  If that's the case, we shouldn't have even started because there will always be something overwhelming in life.  (And maybe that's where God wants me- completely dependent on him for the strength to endure each and every day.)  Do we make the decision based on thinking who we could be missing out on adding to our family?  If that's the case, how would we ever draw the line?  Do we make the decision based on when other people think we should be done?  ... that one is just ridiculous!

I struggle with knowing when we're done because I get so very sad thinking about the last time I'll experience a precious little life growing inside of me.  I'm absolutely addicted to being pregnant and having a brand new baby.  I love the pregnant stage (after the first trimester, anyway) -feeling those wonderful baby kicks and hiccups, listening to that quick pah-pum, pah-pum, pah-pum on the Doppler, imagining what this new creation could look like, and then when that new little life is laid on my bare chest for the fist time- OH MY!  Talk about the best moments of my life! But even letting those feelings affect our decision seems silly because every good season comes to an end, right?  Its just a matter of how long the season is.  We have friends whose season of having babies was over in two years and others who have been having babies for the last 21 years. 

Hmm, maybe like all other decisions, its one that should be made through prayer.   Waiting on God.  Praying to God.  Letting His word guide us.  Seeking wise counsel and asking others to pray for us.  Asking God to give us both a united peace about the decision.


I can almost hear my mom's voice saying, "Decisions, decisions."  :) 

Casting Crowns- "Here I Go Again"

I havent' heard this song probably since my freshman or sophemore year of college, so when it played on my Pandora radio the other day, it pierced my soul- thinking of friends/family that don't know the Lord. Seriously, what am I so afraid of?? I feel like the love of Jesus is mirrored in my life, (although I could always use A LOT more of Him) but I could definitely be more bold in my speech. We don't know how much time we have left with our loved ones!

p.s. even though it says posted by Jonny, its Jessie. ooops i was signed into his email...

Eyes on the Prize!!!

The other day the boys were watching one of their bible videos.  Afterwards, Eli asked me a question,  "If I have faith, can I walk on water like Peter?"  Good question for a 4 1/2 yr old, right?  He went on to tell me about the story saying, "Peter was walking on water because he had faith, but when he took his eyes off of Jesus he sank!"  Oh my goodness, my precious little son just reminded me of an excellent story right when I needed to hear it!  We spent some time talking about faith.  I told him that there are so many situations, big and small, where we are to have faith in God.  I explained that no matter what our situation is, if we loose our focus, if we take our eyes of Jesus, and begin to focus on the hard situation (the fact that we're sinking) then we start to fear instead of trusting God and having faith in Him.

I believe I needed that lesson more than Eli did.  As I've confessed on this blog before, I'm a worrier.  I have been since I was little.  Its definitely a weakness that I struggle with... sometimes a lot.  In the book I'm reading, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, the author dedicates a whole chapter to the issue of worrying.  She points out that there is a difference between concern and worry.  I liked that- A LOT!  I have come to the personal conviction that worry is sin, so when people compliment me by saying, "Oh, I was so worried about you!"  I think, no don't do that!  Maybe, "How are you doing?  I've been concerned for you." would be a better way to phrase that emotion.  I'm trying to tame my tongue to use the word concern for concerning things and teach my children that it is wrong to worry.  The author said, "Concern draws us to God.  Worry pulls us from Him."  Worrying usually creates more problems as we let a problem consume our minds as we obsess over it.  I like how Weaver put it:
"The truth is, we live surrounded by opportunities for fear, anxiety, and worry.  Because our world is filled with struggles and real pain, we face legitimate concerns every day.  Bad things do happen to good people- and not-so-good people as well.  Real problems to occur, usually on a daily basis.  People don't act the way they ought to.  Relationships falter and sometimes fail.  There is potential for pain all around us.  And there are certainly things that require concern and action on our part."

The last thing I want to share from the book is a statistic she found.
One interesting set of statistics indicates that there is nothing we can do about 70% of our worries:

What we worry about:

40% are things that will never happen

30% are about the past- which can't be changed

12% are about criticism by others, mostly untrue

10% are about health, which gets worse with stress

8% are about real problems that can be solved

Wow!  Now here's how bad of a case of worry-itis I have.  (That would be a nasty case of inflammation of the worries!  :)  )  On my way home from a friends house the other night, I got a little scared walking back to my van in the dark.  I quickly scanned the back seats to make sure nobody was there, jumped in and locked the door.  For the next ten minutes, as I made my way back home, I let my worrying imagination take over.  By the time I pulled up into my driveway, my imagination had me abducted by a scary man.  Jonny didn't realize I was missing until morning, and by that time it would be too late- I'd already be in another state.  He'd remarry, and after a year I'd get rescued and return to my family.... only to find I had been replaced.  Siah had changed completely and had no idea who I was.  Noah was acting too shy to hug me, and Eli, although remembering me, thought his new mom was much more lovable than me!  And a real dinger- Jonny was in love with another woman!  Ahh!!  How destructive is that??!!

Last night I turned on SuperNanny while I folded laundry.  The family Jo went to visit was a man with three blond boys- spaced out similar to ours.  They had a trampoline just like ours.  The mom?  She died a couple years ago to breast cancer!  Luckily, I didn't let my mind wander too far on that one.  It did, however, have me in tears!

Oh goodness!  I'm-a-still-a-learnin'!  Gotta keep my eyes on JESUS!  

"Sensible people keep their eyes glued on wisdom, but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth."  -Prov. 17:24

Eternal Perspective

Yes, its more of the same thing, but I just love this way of thinking and need to be reminded of it.  My friend emailed me this quote out of A Survivors Guide to Home Schooling.  
"
"Every week is different. There are doctor's appointments, sickness, out-of-town visitors, and holidays.  There are good days, bad days, and crazy days. Every year is different. One years it's toddlers and
potty training, and in no time it's teenagers and all that goes with them. This year maybe you have money, but maybe next year you won't.  Now you may have three kids, but you may be blessed with six. Nothing
stays the same except the faithfulness of God. Put your energies into the things that will matter twenty years from now and for eternity.  Don't get excited or upset about things that won't matter tomorrow, or
next week, or a month from now or even a year. Keep an eternal perspective by looking to the Lord. Read His Word to find out what the truly important things are from His point of view, and concentrate on them."

So Long Insecurity

Some friends and I are reading this book, So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend To Us. I'm really enjoying the book so far and wanted to share some highlights that caught my attention in the first six chapters.

The first thing I want to share is how Beth Moore stated that we, although we think we are, not alone. Everyone has some sort of insecurity.
"Let's go ahead and unload ourselves of considerable culpability: the only thing it takes to develop insecurity is to be born human and raised on planet Earth." -p. 60

The enemy wants us to doubt our worth believe the following lies:
"I'm not worth wanting. I'm not worth loving. I'm not even worth liking. I'm not worth pursuing. I'm not worth fighting for. I'm not worth keeping. I'm not worth hiring. I'm not even worth noticing." -p.73
Now, I will say these things are true to a certain degree. Apart from Christ, we are nothing. We are sinners and deserve nothing. We are not saved because we deserve it, we are saved by grace, despite our filth and nothing we could ever do would be good enough. But in His own goodness and kindness, He makes us worth loving because it glorifies Him. That said, if one of my children were to believe any of these things about himself, I would say NO, NOT TRUE!

One of the most powerful forces that feeds our insecurity is a feeling threatened. "... We can trace feelings of insecurity to a perceived threat, especially when it comes in a sudden rush. What are we afraid of? Who are we afraid of? What are we afraid of losing? Why are we afraid of being displaced?" -p.48
This made so much sense to me. For example, when I was 8-14 I HATED it when my mom dated. I was insecure because I felt threatened. What? I was afraid of something changing out of my control. I was afraid of losing my mom. Who? I was afraid of the guys. Why? I was afraid of not being loved by my mom as much. (I can share about this now because it is no longer an issue. My mom married my step-dad when I was 17... when I was very preoccupied with Jonny... and I know that she still loves me just as much as she ever has.)

Next, I found this interesting... There are several roots that may cause/contribute to our insecurity: instability in the home, significant loss, rejection, dramatic change, personal limitations, personal dispositions, our culture, and (the root of everything icky) PRIDE! I'm not going to share my personal experiences in each of these categories- let's just say certain things are making sense. I especially related to her explanation of personal disposition.
"Sometimes it boils down to our most basic personal components: disposition and temperament. Although insecurity and sensitivity are not synonymous, people who are especially tenderhearted are significantly more predisposed to insecurity. In other words, the more tenderhearted we are, the more vulnerable to insecurity we'll likely be. Some people take things harder and deeper to heart than others. It's not a matter of weakness. It's a matter of personal sensitivity." -p. 83
Okay, this little section made a lot of sense. If you didn't already know- I'm very sensitive. =) I've always quoted this line from a Jewel song that goes like this: "So please be careful with me. I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way."

When I read that part about being sensitive, I first thought- yeah, see that's why. It's almost like a good excuse to be insecure and upset about everything. Then I read the part about pride. She didn't say this, but I sorta feel convicted that maybe instead of sensitivity being a good excuse to be offended or be upset, it may actually mean that I have major pride issues. Maybe the more sensitive someone is, the more pride the have? I don't really know... still thinking and praying through that one. Here's what Beth Moore had to say about pride.
"Pride is one of those roots that God can jerk up in a second. We just have to pry our sweet little fingers loose. Our culture has done us no greater injustice than training us to avoid taking responsibility for our own issues. In trying to relieve us of the whole concept of personal sin, our culture's reordered values have cheated us of the right to repentance and sublime restoration. They have hijacked our healing. A clear heart and a clean path are still only one sincere confession away." -p.107

So far, everything I've shared about this book makes it seem like she's just pointing out how messed up we are and how much life sucks on planet Earth. Well, I'll end with this last excerpt that delivered some good news:
"The thunder crashes in the heavens, and the earth grows dark in the middle of the afternoon, and a man, beaten to a bloody pulp, cries from a cross between two thieves, 'It is finished!' Because he did, one day God will wipe away every tear from the eyes of those who trusted Him, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will pass away and all our hardship will be finished." -p.86

He knows are pain. He knows our struggles. He knows our insecurities. He helps us work through them, and He promises that it will soon be gone. (deep exhale)

No trash!

This morning I read this Proverb:
"A wise person is hungry for knowledge,
while the fool feeds on trash" -Proverbs 15:14
It stood out to me, and I've been thinking about it all day. Since my world is being a Mommy, I thought of how it relates to my kids. I thought of all the junk we, American's, are bombarded with constantly. I thought of what kids are exposed to and how their innocence is robbed at younger and younger ages. I thought of what we spend our time doing and talking about. What jokes are we laughing at? In what areas are we compromising and allowing trash into our homes? Are the things that consume our free time worthless trash or of eternal value?

I feel embarrassed to admit this, but since having Josiah I haven't been in the Word as much. I haven't been listening to messages as often. I am busy, yes; but I still find time to watch a little T.V some evenings, I spend time on facebook, I spend time doing other things. I want more truth, more knowledge, more wisdom in godly things. I don't want to waste my time with filth. I don't want to waste the precious time I have with my kids to teach them about God...always. Remember Deut. 6?
"Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." 7-9

We're supposed to think of the bible as our daily bread.... our food. It fills us spiritually. If we're not eating of it, we're not being nourished. Nobody ever forgets to eat each day- if they do, they usually have some kind of disorder. A few months ago our children's ministry pastor shared his heart on raising our kids in the Lord. He basically said, if we're not feeding them the Word, we're starving them. He was exhorting parents who may be sending their kids to church each Sunday and expecting that they get their 'fill' of God's Word there, so start being an active (daily) disciple at HOME. Could you imagine only giving your child one meal a week? They'd starve! And here's a thought... do we stop feeding our children once they become adolescents? Goodness, NO! Usually its during the teen years that parents are buying more food than ever. So too, maybe we should be feeding our kids the Word and pouring into them during those adolescent years more than ever.

Okay, so track with me on the food thing for a minute longer. What if all we were feeding our kids was cookies and candy? They would be SO unhealthy. I thought of this when I read about fools feeding on trash. I don't want to feed my kids trash. I want to protect them from the cruel world. Call me a sheltering parent-fine, but I'd like my boys to NOT be exposed to pornography at 7yrs old. I'm going to fight in prayer for their purity. I'm going to fight in prayer for their salvation. I don't want to instill 'good morals and values' in them for the sake of them being good people. I want them to know the truth and the One who is truth.

No trash please. Just truth.

Just a flower quickly fading!

Okay, so Jonny is gone tonight so I'm left to my thoughts, and this is what I've been thinking about.

Jonny's sister, her husband and parents came to visit on Monday. (Pictures to share later) Monday night Jonny started a little trivia game. Kristen and Jonny were both biology majors in college, so Mr. Biology Teacher wanted to see how much she could remember. (She's now flying B-1's for the Air Force.) It went on for awhile and was funny. Jonny had fun teasing Kristen about things she forgot; but when we laid down to bed that night Jonny told me how most of this stuff is useless. It doesn't matter. It does- in certain contexts... like his knowledge in this 'useless stuff' provides us with a monthly paycheck that gives us our home, food, clothing, etc. But I started thinking about all the junk we have stored in our minds. I think back to my job as a bank teller- all the codes, regulations, words, money increments I had memorized. And then college- we practiced a lot of what we called cram and flushing- cram it all into your brain and flush it all out onto the test. And what about sports or other hobbies people enjoy? Stats, teams, and plays are memorized. We're talking TONS of info. How many movie lines do we have memorized?

So this is my question: What do these things matter? What if we took the same effort to memorize the Word of God as we do these earthy things that will soon just pass away and have no eternal value? We have to memorize these things on earth for our jobs, yes; but what is our first calling? Our first job? Jesus told us what our job was right before he ascended into heaven.
"And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. ¹⁹ Go therefore^c]">[c] and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen" -Matthew 28:18-20

In my reading through Proverbs, I have learned that Solomon is telling his son to remember what he is saying over and over and over and OVER! Its what God wants us to do with His word. He wants His word to be written on our heart. He wants it to penetrate deep within our souls. He wants us to know His good news and share it. Nothing else matters. Its all gone in the blink of an eye- a vapor in the wind- a wave tossed in the ocean. It makes me think of this song:

Then the song reminds me that its not only the things of earth that pass so quickly, we do too. What are we going to spend our time thinking about, talking about, and doing?

Praying

The night before I left to Cali I was praying for my boys and for my trip. I was nervous about leaving them, since I've only ever been away for two days. I let my mind wander to those worst case senerio thoughts... What would they do without me? What if something happened to one of them while I was gone? Then I started feeling convicted- for a couple of reasons. First of all, I was worrying instead of trusting that God has everything perfectly laid out in His master plan, and our days and trials are safely in his hands. Second, I felt that I wasn't praying in a mature way. Here's why- I was mostly praying for things like safety, health, and ease. I'm not saying its necessarily wrong to pray for those things; but for me, at that moment, I felt it wasn't right.

I think that too often my prayer life involves me praying for myself or others along the lines of... please help them, may this trial end, make it go away, let it be okay, keep them safe, keep them healthy, may it be easy, fix it, heal it, stop it. I'm still sorting through these ideas and need to search the scripture to find examples of this kind of prayer being okay or not okay. The first two verses that come to mind are:

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." -Heb. 4:16
and
"Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord." -James 5:14

So I think its okay to ask for help and healing. But then I think that maybe a more mature prayer would be asking for strength and guidance to walk in whatever He has for me. "Lord, please lead me today in the things you have for me. May I glorify You in everything I do. Point out anything in me that offends Your Name."

The most famous scripture on prayer is in Matthew, when Jesus is teaching His disciples how to pray.

"In this manner, therefore, pray:
Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen." -Mt 6:9-13

I don't at all see Jesus teaching the disciples to pray 'make the pain stop' or 'the suffering to end'. Instead, He instructs them to honor His name when we pray. (I DEFINITELY don't do that enough!) Also, for His will to be done, strength for the day, forgiveness of our sins, and for us to forgive others. In His model we are to be asking for help before we've even sinned- lead us not into temptation. And here's a whopper- break any bondage or hold that the enemy may be gripping us or entangling us with. And then, lastly- its all about You, Jesus. His kingdom, His power, His glory. Eeek! I get so consumed with me and my world.

As I'm typing this out, I'm thinking its okay to come to him like a child would come to his father and ask for help and to ask to 'make it go away'. But I want to start remembering this model when I pray and make it more about Him. Its interesting, too, that all of the disciples who were living hard after him encountered suffering, AND they were all martyrs. We will endure hardship. Scripture tells us this. Why am I so bent out of shape and surprised when it happens? Hardship brings us closer to the Lord. It grows us up in Him.

"Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified. But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people’s matters. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter." -1 Peter 4:12-16

Lastly, I just want to share this excerpt I found on the line, "Your kingdom come. Your will be done."

"Jesus taught many things about the kingdom of God, but one seems especially appropriate in this context--that the kingdom of God is within us [Luke 17:20-21]. If we are children of God, who can call Him "Our Father," we have the kingdom of God within us, for Jesus has sent His Spirit to live in us. He promised that as He is in the Father, we will be in Him and He will be in us [John 14:16-20]. Jesus taught that He is the true Vine, and we are those who are to abide in Him as branches that draw their very life from the vine.

Jesus’s life in us puts the kingdom of God within us. For His kingdom to come in us, day after day, we must be filled with the Spirit [Ephesians 5:18]--and this happens only to the degree that we are surrendered to Him, emptied of self. As part of our daily prayer, we must surrender all that we are."

Parenting :)

Two Sundays ago, we studied Proverbs 16 at church. Verse 21 reads, "The wise in heart will be called prudent, And sweetness of the lips increases learning." Rob briefly touched on having a sweetness of lips when we are teaching our children, and I have been thinking about that ever since. Sometimes I get so frustrated when the boys ask me "WHY?" for the millionth time... especially when they know the answer. Or when they are fighting and screaming what seems like all day long, I get so annoyed! The problem is that my frustration and annoyance can come out in my voice. I lose it and yell or talk harshly. I don't want to do that! In the last couple weeks that I've been trying to be more careful of my speech and tone, I noticed Eli has been talking sorta rude. If I'm in his way he'll ask me to move in a mean way. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree! I'm still correcting him on speaking kindly, but its totally my fault. He learned that from me. Ouch.

So yeah, that's what I'm working on lately. Having kids is the most rewarding yet challenging thing I've ever done. I have never had so much personal reflection and character growth until I had kids. We work so much on building their character- teaching them about the Lord, being polite, being kind, being hospitable, etc, etc. But it seems like I'm the one needing the lessons in character building. I have never been in such a short account with the Lord... I'm constantly seeing how much I need my Savior.

Okay, and here is a video of my silly husband playing with his playmates. :) This is a verse we studied this last Sunday: "Children's children are the crown of old men, And the glory of children is their father." Prov. 17:6 Rob shared how he delighted in his father and loved hanging out with his dad growing up. I think our boys absolutely delight in their Daddy. I love seeing how much they love him and how he loves them. :)

Trials

My brain and emotions have been rattled in the last week. Its no secret that we've been working with Noah on being kind and gentle to other kids. It's our on-going struggle right now. It can be really difficult to get through to Noah that that is not how we treat people. It can also be really embarrassing, as a parent, to have your kid constantly doing what is wrong. And it can be really frustrating when another adult reacts negatively toward him and the situation when I'm clearly involved and trying my best to manage my son. It leaves me feeling hopeless, ashamed and like a failure. It also makes me mad and defensive because I feel like some people walk away with that little impression of who my child is, and then let that 'character flaw' speak or label who they are as a person. They don't see all the wonderful things I see in him.

Last Sunday at church the two year old and three year old classrooms were combined into one. There were lots of kids and lots of helpers. I was hesitant on putting Noah in. Jonny and I were supposed to be taking turns going in with him, but since Jonny is out of town every weekend now, I either have to occasionally leave him and or not go to church. I decided to keep Noah with me for worship and then put him in for the 45 minutes or so and pray he was gentle. I told Noah to play nice and gentle. Eli met us at the door and put his arm around Noah and walked him in. I tried to explain, but inevitably tears began to stream down my face, that they needed to really watch Noah because he's been having a hard time being gentle with other kids. I felt awful. As soon as the service was over, I quickly went down and got the boys and brought them back up with me for some more worship. The lady I spoke with told me Noah was totally fine and played independently the whole time. She said she never saw him do anything to anyone. Again, the waterworks started up again. I'm such a cry baby! She was so nice and encouraging... she has three sons, too. Coincidence? She shared that she has experienced similar things, and then she prayed for me and for Noah- right there in the hallway. So nice! What a difference from someone who would react so harshly and condemning.

On Monday I read a blog post of another lady at church who wrote about her three sons (who are almost all grown). She wrote about the joys and heart-aches that come with raising men. It was so encouraging for me. The very next day, at Women's Study, another friend shared and asked for prayer in raising her two little boys. She, also, had very similar struggles. Then, yesterday I heard some news about a close family friend who is going through some extremely trying things with her son who is now a young man. It seems like I'm not the only mom who's heart aches for her children.

My attitude, though still a little sensitive about our situation, is changing. I'm beginning to see that every child (and every adult) will have different struggles. I don't think God is unaware of the specific things our kids struggle with. What if persevering and learning through those specific struggles will shape him to be that man God wants him to be? Look at Abraham, Jacob, Moses, David, - all these men are considered great men of faith, yet every one of them screwed up. Hello! David- the man after God's heart- even murdered someone to cover up an affair! We can all be labeled something- a thief, a liar, an adulterer, a gossip, a idolater, etc. I love that God doesn't label us as those things when we've been washed with his blood. When His blood covers us, we are seen as faithful, pure and innocent! So yeah, my son may be a little rough with other kids. But instead of focusing on 'fixing' that behavior, I'll be praying that God will fix his heart to come to a knowledge of Him. Then, I think it will be a life-long work of behavior modification as the Lord shapes him more into Christ's image- just as He's doing with me.

Sigh... I feel a little better now. :)

Proverbs Topic #6: Arguing

So I feel like there is some overlap on some of these verses, and you may recognize that I've used a few of them for different topics...
Here are the verses:

10:12 "Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love covers all offenses."
13:10 "Pride leads to arguments..."
17:14 "Beginning a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."
17:19 "Anyone who loves to quarrel loves sin; anyone who speaks boastfully invites disaster."
18:6 "Fools get into constant quarrels; they are asking for a beating."
18:18-19 "Casting lots can end arguments and settle disputes between powerful opponents. It's harder to make amends with an offended friend than to capture a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with iron bars."
20:3 "Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling."
20:22 "Don't say, 'I will get even for this wrong.' Wait for the LORD to handle the matter."
22:10 "Throw out the mocker, and fighting, quarrels, and insults will disappear."
26:21 "A quarrelsome person starts fights as easily as hot embers light charcoal or fire lights wood."

The more I read through these proverbs the more I'm seeing what a problem our mouths can be! Whether its complaining, spouting off a sarcastic or unnecessary comment, gossiping, giving advice or arguing, our mouth can stir up so much trouble! I am so convicted! And Luke 6:45 tells us that out of the abundance of our heart, our mouth speaks. Yikes! What condition does that mean my heart is in?

The last eight weeks were really, really hard with Jonny's schedule and him being gone so often. My attitude was not always pretty.... in fact it was pretty ugly a lot of the time. I think the enemy can use our busyness, exhaustion and weakness to creep in and stir up bitterness within our hearts... and then where does it overspill? For me, at least, its my mouth. I feel like all these verses about our words are hardest to tame in harder seasons with our spouses than with other people. Anyway, just doing a little self-reflection. I can see that I need His strength and forgiveness each day!!! :)

The basics

Last week Jonny and I read a couple more marriage articles together from Covenant Keepers. (I've mentioned before that there are some great & helpful readings on that site.)

One of the articles we read was titled Adjusting Your Priorities. When you look at the list, its kinda like, Duh, I know that. That's basic stuff. But sometimes (for me) its good to go back to the basics and get a "tune-up" so-to-say. It seems like when the pressures of life, work, schedules, kids, etc. heat up, our priorities get out of whack. We end up with a never-ending list of To-Do's, spend most evenings so dead tired, zoned out in front of the tube, and right before bed (which is often way too late) think oh, we better pray or we better read our bible real quick. Ick... where's the joy in that? Don't get me wrong, we didn't throw the T.V. out the window or anything. There are actually lots of shows on this winter season that we enjoy watching... but its all about prioritizing our time and keeping things in moderation. (DVR makes that so easy!) We got a lot out of reading that article and I wanted to share the list here. Under each priority there was an explanation of what this looks like in the believer's life, so if you're really interested, it would be good to go to the site and read the explanations. :) Okay, here they are- in order.

What should your priorities be?
1.) Loving and pleasing God.
2.) Your spouse.
3.) Your children.
4.) Your service to the church.
5.) Your business or job.
6.) Your responsibilities in the home.
7.) Friends.
8.) Hobbies.

The other article we read was titled What It Means To Love Your Spouse. Just listing the attributes of love doesn't do the article justice. (The attributes actually all sound really similar.) Its really good to read through each one because they are each different and important. Okay, well here is the list anyway. :) Just in time for Valentine's!

Attributes of Love:
1.) Giving Love
2.) Sacrificial Love
3.) Serving Love
4.) Love freely given
5.) Submissive Love
6.) Supporting Love
7.) Kind Love
8.) Understanding Love
9.) Laboring Love
10.) Gentle Love
11.) Forgiving Love

Have a Happy Valentine's Weekend!

Another sex talk?

Yep. We were in Prov. 6 and had another sex talk at church last Sunday. Going through the Proverbs, I've said that there are lots of topics that Solomon repeatedly brings up. One of those things is sexual sin/the immoral woman. I'll post all those verses at another time, but what I wanted to share this time was how I value the teaching at our church.

Our pastor (and elders too, when they teach) always bring us a rich teaching of the Word- even when the topic may make people uncomfortable. I think its so beneficial to hear a pastor actually talk about the 'unmentionable' and discuss sex. Our whole culture is surrounded and driven by it, but for some reason we don't want to go there in church. God created sex, inspired people to write about it in His word, so I, personally, think its good to study how sex (outside of marriage) can lead to a ruined life and, in contrast, how sex was meant to be. I think growing up in christian homes, kids often just hear that sex is bad, bad, bad... don't do it and don't talk about it. But what about teaching them that it's meant to be a great, wonderful thing... in the context of marriage?

I like how Rob took the time to talk about lust- that sexual sin encompasses so much more than the physical act of sex. We have all fallen short in some degree or another. At the beginning of Prov. 4 , Solomon tells his son to remember and retain his words and commands deep within his heart. Rob expounded on this by saying that our heart is the center of what's going on in all areas in our life. The root of our sin lies in our hearts. What are we thinking about? What are we watching or looking at? What are we listening to? What are we spend our time doing? Where are we going? Who do we surround ourselves with? Then at the end of the message Rob took some time to talk about God's grace. God has so much grace for us when we do mess up. He can take what is 'ruined' and make it pure and new.


Okay, the last thing I wanted to say a little bit on was pornography. Pornography is a HUGE sexual struggle for (mostly) men. Jonny and I want to be a aware of this danger, and have open communication with our adolescences. I want to share a few startling and devastating statistics. I found them here if you want to take a look for yourself.

• Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography: 11 yrs old
• 15-17 yr. olds having multiple hard*core exposures: 80%
• 8-16 yr. olds having viewed porn while online: 90%- mostly while doing homework
• Men admitting to accessing porn at work: 20%
• US adults who regularly visit porn sites: 40 million
• Christians who said porn is a major problem in their home: 47%

This is serious, grieving stuff! Fourth and fifth graders are looking at explicit, material and their parents either don't even know or don't even care! I can't imagine my 9 yr old boy being exposed to that kind of thing. Yet, I know its out there, and I know boys are very visually stimulated. So instead of being naive and assuming it isn't happening or our boys won't be tempted, we will use safeguards. Just like we have child locks and safety proof outlets to protect our toddlers from harm, we want our tweens and teens to be safe from the harms of sexual sin. Jonny and I are here to look out for our children and protect them. We're going to install the passwords for the Internet and T.V. We're going to keep the computer in a public spot. We're going to invest the $7.99/mo for Covenant Eyes. As much as is within our power, we're not going to allow our boys to be unsupervised with a girl. (And vise-versa if we ever get a girl!) We're going to talk to them about sex- the good and bad- just like Solomon did with his son.

As I type this I realize that as much as all these things help and are certainly beneficial, the best thing we can do is to pray for our kids' purity. We need to pray that our kids will know God and that He will soften their hearts to want to serve and glorify Him in all areas of their lives. Oh, please, please save and protect their little hearts, God!

The poor and brokenhearted

I got the following excerpt from a blog I found:

"Many families in Haiti are economically not able to care for their children. Sometimes the parents simply let the children abandoned on the street and never come back. These babies usually end in an orphanage (if they are not refused because in Haiti all orphanages are generally overfull). Although children living in an orphanage may be lucky for having at least having a bed, most of them suffer from hunger and have to share clothes with the other orphans."

Oh my goodness. I can't stop thinking about all those orphans in Haiti. Since the earthquake hit nine days ago Jonny and I can't stop talking and researching stuff about adoption. We have been so moved with sadness and compassion for all those precious babies who were without homes/families before the quake hit and now with the orphan numbers reaching in the tens of thousands, its just completely heart breaking.

I couldn't sleep last night thinking about how so many of us are sitting so nice, safe and comfortable and the thought of helping these helpless, innocent children doesn't even cross our minds. Ahh! For the last week my mind has been going back and forth about buying this really cute necklace I found... not that that would be bad... but as I tossed and turned in bed last night, my perspective just took a change in direction. I'm only talking about a $10 necklace here, but my point is this- how many necklaces do I have? How much stuff do we have? These kids have nothing. Not even a family. And they are even losing their health. Family, a home, our health... we are so wealthy! As Christians, it seems like more of us should be reaching out to these children. Didn't Jesus teach about reaching out to the poor and the needy? Adoption may not be what the Lord has for everyone, but maybe more of us should be prayerfully considering it. I know my heart strings are being tugged in that direction. Then there's the concern of the expense, but HOLY COW- what's wrong with our way of thinking? Why do we, in our culture, seem to be more concerned about our pocket books than saving a child's innocent life!? That is so backwards. How is that right? How does that way of thinking line up at all with what Jesus taught about? I remember someone once telling me, 'A rich man says having children will make you poor, but the poor man says having children make you rich.' Obviously adoption is a big, big decision and not enough families are able to do it. Although adoption would be the huge, long-term help to these orphans, they need some immediate help. Our prayers are the most powerful tool we have, so lets remember to pray, pray, pray for these children and that somehow their lives would be saved to not only live a life on earth, but for all eternity.

A New Year

I like New Year's. I'm a list person, so I like making the resolutions and goals for the new year. It's a cool feeling to feel like you get a fresh start, clean slate, or another chance to do better than before. It reminds me of how gracious and merciful God is. He is a God of new beginnings- giving us new life, always forgiving and continually wiping the slate clean. He separates our sin as far as the east is from the west. So cool! Anyway... that's not what I wanted to write about.

I decided to do something new this year. I mentioned, before, that we're studying through Proverbs in church. Since there are 31 Proverbs, I'm reading a proverb each day of the month. Today is the first, so I'm reading Prov. 1. My goal is to do this every day, every month all year. I've done it for two months already, and I'm seeing so many topics come up over and over. I've been convicted over some of these nuggets of wisdom and want to find a way to remember these verses. SO... I decided to pick at least one topic a month and share all the verses I've found in the Proverbs on that topic. (Oh, and the version I've been reading at home and will be quoting are from the NLV)

So here we go... the first topic I thought would be appropriate is...
Wives:
~ 5:18 "Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love."
~ 12:4 "A worthy wife is her husband's joy and crown; a shameful wife saps his strength."
~ 18:22 "The man who finds a wife finds a treasure and receives favor from the LORD."
~ 19:13 "...a nagging wife annoys like a constant dripping."
~ 19:14 "...but only the LORD can give an understanding wife."
~ 21:19 "It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife."
~ 25:24 "It is better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a contentious wife in a lovely home."
~ 27:15-16 "A nagging wife is as annoying as the constant dripping on a rainy day. Trying to stop her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or hold something with greased hands."
~ 31:10-31 This is a lot of text, so you'll have to read this one on your own. SO GOOD!

Oh, man... I want to be a treasure to Jonny- more precious than rubies. I want to enrich his life. I don't want to sap his strength by being crabby, complaining, contentious, bitter and annoying. Yikes!

A little more on worrying...

I forgot to share this cute little diddy about worrying that Cindy taught us at Women's Bible Study a couple months ago. So here it is...

Why worry when you can pray,

Trust Jesus, He'll be your stay.

Don't be a doubting Thomas,

Just trust in His Promise.

Why worry, worry, worry, worry...

When you can pray!

The other thing she told us, that her dad used to tell her, was that worrying is like a rocking chair- you rock and rock and rock, but don't get anywhere. And that is so true. Worrying doesn't solve anything! Another good friend told me, "Worrying doesn't fix tomorrow, it only robs today of it's joy."

worry wart

I have a problem with worrying. I have since I was little. In middle school my mom would come home to find me in tears if she was even so much as 20 minutes late coming home from work. I'd worry so much and entertain all sorts of anxious thoughts, that by the time she was walking in the door my mind had me at her funeral. Horrible! Worrying is a really bad thing, and lately I've been thinking and wondering... is worrying a sin? I know God tells us not to worry, but I've never really thought of it as sin before. But isn't sin doing the opposite of what God tells us to do? Isn't sin disobeying Him? He sets the moral standards of right and wrong. Without His standard, what standard do we measure by? Why would it be okay to worry?

I've heard it said before, "Well, I'm a mom, I'm allowed to worry." And I totally and completely am guilty of being a worrying mom. But I don't think its right. I don't think our enormous responsibility and love for our children gives us permission to worry. I don't see any small print in Philippians Ch.4, where Paul writes that we should be anxious about nothing and pray about everything, except for moms.

I worry about everything. I worry about things that have already happened. I worry about things that haven't happened. I worry about Jonny driving to work. I worry about making the right choice for the boys' schooling. I worry about our finances. I worry about our extended family. I worry about what people think. I worry about WAY TOO MUCH! Which makes me conclude that I pray WAY TOO LITTLE!

I know the verse, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." -2 Tim. 1:7
I know the verse, "You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." -Isa 26:3

But am I living these verses out? Am I repeating them over and over when my mind wants to entertain anxious thoughts? I can't say that I am. I want to trust God completely. I want to be in constant conversation with Him. I want Him to be the Ruler of my mind.

conviction

Oh, conviction. It's so painful, but so good. Do you ever do or say something that you later completely regret, and in total embarrassment, think Why did I do/say that? I'm so stupid! Oh, Lord, I'm so sorry. My wretched, awful heart. I'm so embarrassed. Change me!

It seems like this happens to me a lot. Just recently I was washing dishes while the boys were playing in the living room; we were listening to their Kids Bible Songs CD, when one of their songs had me so convicted over some, lets just say- unnecessary information I shared with a good friend. After tossing and turning that night, I decided to call her to apologize for poisoning her well with my speech. I think I've mentioned this song before, but here are the lyrics. Its so good for us 'grown ups' to hear, too. :)

O be careful little eyes what you see...

O be careful little ears what you hear...

O be careful little tongue what you say...

O be careful little hands what you do...

O be careful little feet where you go...

O be careful little heart whom you trust...

O be careful little mind what you think...

...For the Father up above is looking down in love,

So be careful little _____ what you _____.

This verse sums it up... "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer." -Ps. 19:14 I need to write that one down in nice big, bold print and tape it to my bathroom mirror, so every time I look at myself I will be reminded to take my thoughts and words captive unto Him.

Marriage

Yesterday Jonny and I had what our frined Rory would call 'intense fellowship'. AKA- heated disscussion/debate/differences of opinion/squabble. I am able to write about this because it was nothing serious and like always, we made up. It just got me thinking how different men and women are. It's like night and day. Women are emotional, personal and senstive. Men, especially scientific-minded men, are factual, logical, and thick skinned. Women (at least women like me) tend to take things personally, will get their feelings hurt and the result comes out in tears. Men like my husband think critically-they look at the evidence, weigh the facts, make a decsion and move on. In my defense, I think I can be logical- it just comes out in a emotional delivery rather than a science report. :)

After our 'intense fellowship' yesterday, I've been thinking about marriage and the different ways the enemy tries to sneak in and create tension and destroy what God has put together. I think it often starts with the silliest, smallest little offenses. That it why it is so important to keep short accounts with each other and communicate.

It's an interesting design God had in mind- pairing a man with a women. As challenging as it can be, we actually fit together very well. We compliment each other. What the other person lacks, the other person makes up for. Like that quote from the movie, Guess Who, when Ashton Kutcher says, "You're everything I'm not." In my very short journey of 5 1/2 years down this marriage raod I'm learning more and more. Jonny and I were only 20 when we got marred, and we had very little pre-marital counseling through a church in Klamath Falls. I will say that a helpful thing that came from our 'counseling' was reading The Five Love Languages. That knowlege has been helpful in knowing that people give and recieve love in different ways. However, I do wish we had learned some other helpful tools. Our church is blessed to have a marraige pastor and very rich pre-marital classes. We definetly could have benefitted from that wealth of wisdom. BUT it is what it is, and a lot of the 'marriage issues' people deal with are things we learn and work through along the way. And its not like that wealth of wisdom isn't available to us now- 5 1/2 years in.

When I was in college I had to take a Family Development class. Yes, imagine learning the healthy development of a family through the eyes of the world.... it clashes just a tad with what God has in mind for a healthy family. However, one of the things I remember learning from this class was the top five reasons people divorce.

With those 'top five reasons' in mind, I came across this cool site that has all kinds of helpful marriage articles. Here are some interesting articles I found relating to those specific issues.

1. Money-
2. Sex issues-
>>>I couldn't find a specific article on either of these topics, but I think both can be found under the umbrella of different topics like marriage goals or conflict resolution. Oh, and that hefty little book called the bible might have some wise words of advice... maybe even some commands. :)
3. Infidelity- Safeguarding your marriage from immorality. Re-establishing trust. Rebuilding your relationship after infidelity.
4. Differences in opinion over having/raising children.- Biblical goals for parenting.
5. Problems with in-laws.- Dealing with in-laws.

There are so many different relevant marriage topics to read through. I'm loving this! Here are a few more that caught my eye. Issues to consider before choosing a mate. What is the purpose and ultimate goal of marriage? What is God's design and calling for you as a wife. What is God's design and calling for you as a husband. The spark plug of your marriage. How to resolve conflicts in a biblical way.

So those are my thoughts for today. Have a happy day!