Bringing up Boys: Part Two

Aye yi yi, yi yi!  I'm glad to be done with this book.  I've been done for a week, but haven't really wanted to write any more on it.  However, since I told myself I would, I'd feel like a slacker if I didn't.  

I can't say that I loved the way it was written, nor that I feel super encouraged and inspired to press on in my journey of parenting four boys.  BUT I'm still glad I read it.  There was some useful information and reminders.  The world is just a hard place to grow up in.  We are sinful people.  Our children are sinful.  Without the hope, comfort and joy that comes from Jesus, life could be extremely depressing!  It's no wonder His story is called the Good News!  

Here are a few things I found worth mentioning:

• Children are going to disappoint their parents.
• This sounds harsh, but if we remember this reality that we will be embarrassed, they will misbehave in front of other people, they will do that thing you told them NOT TO DO, it won't be as frustrating.  Its an inevitable part of being young and learning the ropes of appropriate behavior.  (Plus, my own little thought, don't we adults still screw up and disappoint each other?) This was a good reminder for me to consider.  I'm so tolerant and patient with Siah as he learns not to grab dishes out of the dishwasher or trash of of the garbage can, but for some reason I'm not always so tolerant and patient with Eli or Noah when they need to be reminded of house rules.

• Boys are competitive!  
• I was a pretty competitive girl, but these boys I have (especially our first one) are extremely competitive.  Eli especially can make a competition out of anything- how fast you can eat your lunch, how much food you can eat, who is the first in the door, who can get dressed the fastest, who can kick the ball the highest, who can paint the nicest picture, who can buckle their seat belts the fastest, etc, etc, etc.  It really drives me crazy!  And poor Noah looses most of these challenges just because he's younger and smaller!  It's no wonder he has trouble controlling those frustrating emotions- he's brother has beat him to the punch his entire life!  Not to mention, Eli not only happens to have an extra 20 1/2 mos. on Noah, but he happens to be ahead of his own age group  athletically, academically and socially... he's just good at a lot of things, which is very hard to compete with.  
• I didn't really like how Dobson was encouraging parents to use this excitement for competition to the advantage of parenting.  For example, if your son doesn't want to eat his peas, make it a competition who will eat them all first.  Even in school, he suggests that boys need more competition in order to excel.  The thing I don't like about that is that what if your son never wins?  There's always going to be a winner and a loser.  What if your son happens to be the loser?  In Noah's case, I feel like it would crush his spirit just being "average". 
• One thing he made a point to mention, and is something we are already working on, is that we should teach our children how to win and loose gracefully.  They need to learn good sportsmanship, self control and teamwork.   
• Also, sports are a great outlet for boys' competitive impulses.  It provides a source for masculine identity and personal pride and achievement.  

• Boys are growing up with double standards. 
• Schools used to be thought of as more accommodating for boys, so all kinds of money went into establishing programs that 'caught' girls up with boys in science and math.  No programs, however, have tried to catch boys up to girls in writing and literature.  
• Its outrageous for a man to insult a woman, but its funny and acceptable for a woman to insult a man.  A man's disrespectful comment to a woman is turned into a lawsuit, where a woman's disrespectful comment to a man is turned into a hallmark card.  

• Boys are growing up in an evil world! 
•  Foul jokes, music, movies, and language is considered "innocent fun" or "good humor".
• There are innumerable voices in the world enticing kids to do what is wrong.  
• Morals are relative.  
• God's Word is not the measured standard of right and wrong. 
• Society has become more sexualized, more violent and more cruel.
• Pornography is way, way, way too easily accessible. 

• Parents need to work harder than ever to build satisfying and affirming relationships with their kids. 
• Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.
• Establishing friendships while maintaining parental authority and respect can be done!
• Interactions are more important than toys or special events.
• We need to talk to our kids and KNOW them!

•  Everything must be bathed in prayer!
• We need divine help!

Thanksgiving

We changed our Thanksgiving plans at the very last minute- like 9pm Wednesday night when we were planning to leave early Thursday morning.  I was stressing (majorly) over packing & traveling.  Then I also received some pregnancy news that had the potential of leading to premature labor.  (Everything is now fine and there is no evidence of baby coming.)  While I was being overly emotional, Jonny made an executive decision- that we'd stay home.  Thankfully, my mom, Jonny's mom and my grandma were all incredibly understanding and supportive of our change of plans.  SO... Thanksgiving morning we took the boys to Corvallis to run the Little Gobblers 1K.  It was so cute!  I'm such a mushy-gushy and feel so proud of them that it makes me tear up.  After the race, we came home for a light lunch and then went next door to our awesome neighbor's house for the rest of the day.  And now we have a fridge full of left-overs!!  We are so, so blessed by having such good friends and family. 

We've been writing down things we're thankful for every day this month for our Thankful Can, but we forgot to open it up on Thanksgiving.  Eli remembered today, and it was actually really cool to be reminded of all we have and are thankful for on Black Friday.  We might just save that Thankful Can for Black Fridays in the future!

They don't look very happy here, but they were fine- it was just FREEZING cold out!

Siah wanted to stand at the start line with his big brothers.

I planned a Thanksgiving craft to do while out of town, but we just did the crafts next door.  Nona & I had pilgrim hats, Eli & Noah had turkey hats, and Little Brother was our little Indian.  :)

The Help

Oh. My. Goodness.  I love a good book.  I finished reading The Help, by Kathryn Stockett, last night.  Yes, all 522 pages in a week!  It was that good.  If you haven't read it, read it!  Its our current book club book, and we met on Tuesday to talk about the first half, but some of the ladies were already done and those of us who weren't were close to finishing.  I don't want to ruin it for anyone, so I won't talk about it much...  Other than to tell you what its about.  Upon hearing the words, The Help- I thought it was a christian book about the Holy Spirit.  (You know, because He is referred to as our Counselor and Helper.)  But no.  Its about the help people hire to work in their homes... like in the 1960's.  It takes place in Jackson Mississippi; a story about the daily struggles and joys of being a black maid for white people. Man, it was so horrible back then.  Its appalling to think of human beings treating other human beings so cruel.  My mom was born in 1960, so it was interesting to relate what was going on in our country with the thought of my mom entering the world in the midst of it all (even though she was born in CA, which was a little different than MS).  Goodness!  Its also interesting to think about what the culture was like and how things were done while keeping in mind those people I know who were born even earlier than the 1960's.  It makes a little more sense why some people have certain opinions or feelings or awkwardness about racial issues.  

Anyway, I couldn't put it down.  It has consumed my life for the last 7 days.  It made me laugh and cry.  It made me happy, angry and sad.  I was dreaming about it, reading it first thing in the morning and falling asleep reading it at night.  I felt a little guilty... I should crave God's Word like that... Anyway, after I finish Bringing Up Boys (which was totally interrupted by The Help) I'm taking a break from reading books until after the baby is born.  I have such a huge To Do List before Baby comes, and its too much for me to commit to another book right now.

P.S.  Mom- I'm bringing this book down to you!!!

Bringing Up Boys

Did you know we're bring up boys over here?  Yeah, its true!  In fact, our fourth one is on the way!  Go ahead and get it out- now is where we usually hear, "Oh no!" or a sarcastic "Good luck!"  Well, whatever the reaction is- YES, God is blessing us with yet another boy, so when I heard of the book Bringing Up Boys it was an obvious must read.

Last night Jonny and I were talking about our disappointment in James Dobson's lack of scripture to support some of his moral claims (which we mostly agree with) in the book, but other than that, its been pretty good.  A little frightening, but good.

I'm only half way through, but I wanted to write some of what I'm learning, as it helps me process and remember.  He starts the book off discussing the obvious differences between boys and girls.
"Boys are usually (but not always) tougher to raise than their sisters are.  Girls can be difficult to handle too, but there is something especially challenging about boys.  Although individual temperaments vary, boys are designed to be more assertive, audacious, and excitable than girls are.  Psychologist John Rosemond calls them "little aggressive machines."  One father referred to his son as 'all afterburner and no rudder.'  "

These differences fascinate me because they are biological.  Take for example, the hormones testosterone, serotonin and the portion of the brain called the amygdala.  Serotonin pacifies or calms emotions to help individuals control impulsive behavior, and guess what- females typically have higher levels than males!!!  Now what about testosterone?  We all know males have more testosterone than females.  There are direct correlations between the level of testosterone in one's body and their behavior.  Studies have been done on inmates, blue & white color workers, athletes and young children.  The results are intriguing!
"Most experts believe boys' tendency to take risks, to be more assertive, to fight and compete, to argue, to boast, and to excel at certain skills, such as problem solving, math, and science, is directly linked to the way the brain is hardwired and to the presence of testosterone.  This may explain why boys have 'ants in their pants' when they are in the classroom and why teacher call them little 'wiggly worms.'  The problem is that boys are often taught at such a tempo that it becomes difficult for them to adjust.  Testosterone also accounts for boys' early desire to be the strongest, bravest, toughest, rootin-shootin hombre' on the range.  Its just the way God made them."

"If testosterone is the gasoline that powers the brain, serotonin slows the speed and helps one steer."  Yikes!  That sounds scary and dangerous knowing now that boys have these high levels of go-go-go and not so much of the watch where you're going!!

I was a little wary to read any more biological evidence that boys are just plain crazy, but I did... I read about the amygdala.  Its at the base of the brain, in the middle of the hypothalamus and is in charge of signaling other glands into action when a threat or challenge is perceived.  "It emits and 'irrational' chemical and electrical response that may save your life in an emergency- but it can also precipitate violence and make matters much worse."  Well, fitting with everything else we've been reading... that amygdala is larger in males than in females!

If all that isn't bad enough, I read this:
"Boys, when compared to girls, are six times more likely to have learning disabilities, three times more likely to be registered drug addicts, and four times more likely to be diagnosed as emotionally disturbed.  They are at greater risk for schizophrenia, autism, sexual addiction, alcoholism, bed wetting,and all forms of antisocial and criminal behavior.  They are twelve times more likely to murder someone, and their rate of death in car accidents is greater by 50 percent.  Seventy-seven percent of delinquency-related court cases involve males."

Ahhhhh!!!  How  discouraging!  There was much more, but I won't share any more of those dreadful statistics.  I felt a little better after reading this:
"How about it then?  Is masculinity good or bad?  Right or wrong?  Are boys biologically defective?  At first blush, it would appear that girls have all the right stuff .  On average, they make fewer mistakes, take fewer risks, are better students, are more thoughtful of others, and are less impulsive than boys.  Was testosterone one of God's great mistakes?  ....... As we have seen, some of them [feminists and other social liberals] are trying to reprogram boys to make them less competitive, less aggressive, and more sensitive.  Is that a good idea?  Most certainly not.  First, because it contradicts masculine nature and will never succeed, and second, because the sexes were carefully designed by the Creator to balance on another's weaknesses and meet one another's needs.  Their differences didn't result from an evolutionary error, as it is commonly assumed today.  Each sex has a unique purpose in the great scheme of things."

He then spends some time discussing the critical importance of both mother and father in boys' lives and how they can drastically shape and impact their sons by their involvement, guidance and modeling.  Most people agree that a mother's care is crucial to a child's life, but Dobson asserts that there is also an urgent importance for fathers to 'be there' for their sons.
"Identification with him [dad] is a far more efficient teacher than lecturing, scolding, punishing, bribing, and cajoling.  Boys watch their dads intently, noting every minor detail of behavior and values."  

Dobson encourages the importance of mothers to be at home (if they can).  That means morning time, after school, dinner time and bedtime.  Also, especially for boys who only have brothers, moms are especially important in showing boys what women are like and how to treat women. 

Dobson continued to drive home the point of guidance and involvement:
"Because boys are more likely to get off-course when they are not guided and supervised carefully.  .... They founder in chaotic, unsupervised, and undisciplined circumstances.  Boys are like automobiles that need a driver at the steering wheel every moment of the journey, gently turning a half inch here and a quarter inch there.  They will need this guidance for at least sixteen or eighteen years, or even longer.  When left to their own devices, they tend to drift toward the center divider or into the ditch, toward misbehavior or danger.  yet nearly half (49%) of all school-age children in America do not come home to a parent in the afternoon- they are either alone or in the care of someone other than Mom or Dad.  It is an invitation to mischief or disaster for rambunctious males, and the older they get, the more opportunities they have to get into trouble."

Phew!  That was a lot!  I was sorta getting discouraged by all this stuff, but I know that God is ultimately in control and will, in one way or another, straighten out our mistakes or our boys' mistakes in order to shape our boys into the men He wants them to be.  In the mean time, I'm going to take it one day at a time because after what I've read, this job of parenting FOUR BOYS seems overwhelming.  At least now some of you will know that if I forget to call, don't bring our entire family into your house, rarely travel past county limits, seem stressed out or am falling asleep in the middle of a conversation- its not you, its my job.... we're bringing up boys over here!  :)

For the rest of the book I think he'll be touching on the topics of discipline, single parents, competition, boys in school, becoming men and how to give space while staying close.  Okay, so I'm packing these tools and info in my mommy tool belt! And praying, praying, praying for my precious boys!

I did it ... almost

One of my New Year Resolutions this year was to memorize all of Philippians.  Yeah... umm.... I've been slacking, majorly!  But thanks to this crazy nesting adrenaline running through my body, I'm determined to follow through with memorizing it, even if I don't make the Dec. 31st deadline.  A month ago I challenged myself to have the first chapter memorized by today, and I DO!  ... almost... I need to nail down the last four verses.  So seeing as how it is 10:15pm, I better stop blogging and get a move on.  Anyone want to memorize Ch. 2 by Dec. 1st with me?  Its also 30 verses, but the first half I'm sure lots of you already are familiar with.  :)
Here is Ch. 1

Paul and Timothy, bondservants of Jesus Christ,
To all the saints in Christ Jesus who are in Philippi, with the bishops^[a] and deacons:

² Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
  
³ I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, ⁴ always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, ⁵ for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, ⁶ being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; ⁷⁸ For God is my witness, how greatly I long for you all with the affection of Jesus Christ.
⁹ And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, ¹⁰¹¹ being filled with the fruits of righteousness which just as it is right for me to think this of you all, because I have you in my heart, inasmuch as both in my chains and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers with me of grace. that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ,  to the glory and praise of God.

 
¹² But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel, ¹³ so that it has become evident to the whole palace guard, and to all the rest, that my chains are in Christ; ¹⁴ and most of the brethren in the Lord, having become confident by my chains, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.
¹⁵ Some indeed preach Christ even from envy and strife, and some also from goodwill: ¹⁶ The former preach Christ from selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing to add affliction to my chains;  ¹⁷ but the latter out of love, knowing that I am appointed for the defense of the gospel. ¹⁸ What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is preached; and in this I rejoice, yes, and will rejoice.  

¹⁹ For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, ²⁰ according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. ²¹ For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 
²² But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. ²³ For^[c] I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. ²⁴ Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you.  ²⁵ And being confident of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy of faith, ²⁶ that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ by my coming to you again. 

²⁷ Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of your affairs, that you stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel, ²⁸ and not in any way terrified by your adversaries, which is to them a proof of perdition, but to you of salvation,^[d] and that from God. ²⁹ For to you it has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, ³⁰ having the same conflict which you saw in me and now hear is in me.