Did you know we're bring up boys over here? Yeah, its true! In fact, our fourth one is on the way! Go ahead and get it out- now is where we usually hear, "Oh no!" or a sarcastic "Good luck!" Well, whatever the reaction is- YES, God is blessing us with yet another boy, so when I heard of the book
Bringing Up Boys it was an obvious must read.
Last night Jonny and I were talking about our disappointment in James Dobson's lack of scripture to support some of his moral claims (which we mostly agree with) in the book, but other than that, its been pretty good. A little frightening, but good.
I'm only half way through, but I wanted to write some of what I'm learning, as it helps me process and remember. He starts the book off discussing the obvious differences between boys and girls.
"Boys are usually (but not always) tougher to raise than their sisters are. Girls can be difficult to handle too, but there is something especially challenging about boys. Although individual temperaments vary, boys are designed to be more assertive, audacious, and excitable than girls are. Psychologist John Rosemond calls them "little aggressive machines." One father referred to his son as 'all afterburner and no rudder.' "
These differences fascinate me because they are biological. Take for example, the hormones testosterone, serotonin and the portion of the brain called the amygdala. Serotonin pacifies or calms emotions to help individuals control impulsive behavior, and guess what- females typically have higher levels than males!!! Now what about testosterone? We all know males have more testosterone than females. There are direct correlations between the level of testosterone in one's body and their behavior. Studies have been done on inmates, blue & white color workers, athletes and young children. The results are intriguing!
"Most experts believe boys' tendency to take risks, to be more assertive, to fight and compete, to argue, to boast, and to excel at certain skills, such as problem solving, math, and science, is directly linked to the way the brain is hardwired and to the presence of testosterone. This may explain why boys have 'ants in their pants' when they are in the classroom and why teacher call them little 'wiggly worms.' The problem is that boys are often taught at such a tempo that it becomes difficult for them to adjust. Testosterone also accounts for boys' early desire to be the strongest, bravest, toughest, rootin-shootin hombre' on the range. Its just the way God made them."
"If testosterone is the gasoline that powers the brain, serotonin slows the speed and helps one steer." Yikes! That sounds scary and dangerous knowing now that boys have these high levels of go-go-go and not so much of the watch where you're going!!
I was a little wary to read any more biological evidence that boys are just plain crazy, but I did... I read about the amygdala. Its at the base of the brain, in the middle of the hypothalamus and is in charge of signaling other glands into action when a threat or challenge is perceived.
"It emits and 'irrational' chemical and electrical response that may save your life in an emergency- but it can also precipitate violence and make matters much worse." Well, fitting with everything else we've been reading... that amygdala is larger in males than in females!
If all that isn't bad enough, I read this:
"Boys, when compared to girls, are six times more likely to have learning disabilities, three times more likely to be registered drug addicts, and four times more likely to be diagnosed as emotionally disturbed. They are at greater risk for schizophrenia, autism, sexual addiction, alcoholism, bed wetting,and all forms of antisocial and criminal behavior. They are twelve times more likely to murder someone, and their rate of death in car accidents is greater by 50 percent. Seventy-seven percent of delinquency-related court cases involve males."
Ahhhhh!!! How discouraging! There was much more, but I won't share any more of those dreadful statistics. I felt a little better after reading this:
"How about it then? Is masculinity good or bad? Right or wrong? Are boys biologically defective? At first blush, it would appear that girls have all the right stuff . On average, they make fewer mistakes, take fewer risks, are better students, are more thoughtful of others, and are less impulsive than boys. Was testosterone one of God's great mistakes? ....... As we have seen, some of them [feminists and other social liberals] are trying to reprogram boys to make them less competitive, less aggressive, and more sensitive. Is that a good idea? Most certainly not. First, because it contradicts masculine nature and will never succeed, and second, because the sexes were carefully designed by the Creator to balance on another's weaknesses and meet one another's needs. Their differences didn't result from an evolutionary error, as it is commonly assumed today. Each sex has a unique purpose in the great scheme of things."
He then spends some time discussing the critical importance of both mother and father in boys' lives and how they can drastically shape and impact their sons by their involvement, guidance and modeling. Most people agree that a mother's care is crucial to a child's life, but Dobson asserts that there is also an urgent importance for fathers to 'be there' for their sons.
"Identification with him [dad] is a far more efficient teacher than lecturing, scolding, punishing, bribing, and cajoling. Boys watch their dads intently, noting every minor detail of behavior and values."
Dobson encourages the importance of mothers to be at home (if they can). That means morning time, after school, dinner time and bedtime. Also, especially for boys who only have brothers, moms are especially important in showing boys what women are like and how to treat women.
Dobson continued to drive home the point of guidance and involvement:
"Because boys are more likely to get off-course when they are not guided and supervised carefully. .... They founder in chaotic, unsupervised, and undisciplined circumstances. Boys are like automobiles that need a driver at the steering wheel every moment of the journey, gently turning a half inch here and a quarter inch there. They will need this guidance for at least sixteen or eighteen years, or even longer. When left to their own devices, they tend to drift toward the center divider or into the ditch, toward misbehavior or danger. yet nearly half (49%) of all school-age children in America do not come home to a parent in the afternoon- they are either alone or in the care of someone other than Mom or Dad. It is an invitation to mischief or disaster for rambunctious males, and the older they get, the more opportunities they have to get into trouble."
Phew! That was a lot! I was sorta getting discouraged by all this stuff, but I know that God is ultimately in control and will, in one way or another, straighten out our mistakes or our boys' mistakes in order to shape our boys into the men He wants them to be. In the mean time, I'm going to take it one day at a time because after what I've read, this job of parenting FOUR BOYS seems overwhelming. At least now some of you will know that if I forget to call, don't bring our entire family into your house, rarely travel past county limits, seem stressed out or am falling asleep in the middle of a conversation- its not you, its my job.... we're bringing up boys over here! :)
For the rest of the book I think he'll be touching on the topics of discipline, single parents, competition, boys in school, becoming men and how to give space while staying close. Okay, so I'm packing these tools and info in my mommy tool belt! And praying, praying, praying for my precious boys!
