January 6th

Two years ago today we found out that I was pregnant w/ Eli. Two years ago Eli was just a little clump of cells intricately forming together to make our sweet little boy. Now look at him. Amazing!
Its so funny to look back at my time being pregnant w/ Eli & to recognize his personality even while he was in my womb. The day we found out I was pregnant, I went into OSU Health Services to get some blood work done. I was having horrible abdomen pain, & we thought maybe it was my appendix. Come to find out... there was a monster growing inside of me! Then, I spent the next 3 months being horribly sick. Most people know we refer to Eli as 'our little monster' or 'The Monster', mostly b/c his first five weeks w/ us were so hard!! Eli had trouble adjusting to the cold, cruel world. He was a very high maintenance newborn. He fussed so much, & the only thing to keep him calm was to be on our feet bouncing & rocking him....ALL DAY! He missed the womb, so we tried our best to mimic the womb for him. We'd play loud, white noise, we'd swaddle him up tight & snug, we'd bounce him, we'd do anything we could think of to make him happy. (FYI: For those who experience a difficult newborn , Dr. Harvey Carp's 5 S's is a need-to-know.) We also loved on Eli so, so much. Even though he was so difficult, there was this incredible feeling of love we had for him.
That's what I wanted to write about- this crazy love I have for my son. I think he's wonderful. I love him so much I worry. I recently wrote some New Year's Resolutions, & one of them was to pray for my family every day. That sort of stems from this weird thing I deal w/. I have a problem of worrying too much. It's not good, the Lord tells us not to worry. Philippians ch. 4 talks about not worrying & trusting God. Our pastor has said before that when we're worrying we're not trusting God. You can't do both at the same time. That stings. I want to be a woman who trusts God w/ all her heart. I especially want to trust God w/ my family. But for some reason I have this warped mindset that the more people I cherish, the more likely something bad will happen to one of us. Jonny & Eli mean the world to me; I love them so, so much. It brings me to tears how much I love them. And now w/ another baby coming, that's going to be another person I love. I want to keep them all safe & healthy & perfect forever. But I can't; as much as I act like it, I'm not in control. God is in control. He is actually the better one to be in control... I know all this stuff, but I still worry. When I found out I had melanoma this summer my initial reaction was total fear & worry. Fear of death & worry for my family. In reality, in the big picture, that is so silly. Why was I afraid of dying- I get to go to heaven! Hello! Heaven! And meet my maker, there is nothing better than that. I think b/c my mind has only experienced the 'best' as being w/ my family, I can't wrap my mind around something even better, so I hold on to what is good right now. And why did I worry for my family? B/c they wouldn't have me to take care of them? Yah, it'd be really hard & sad for them, but the Lord would always be there w/ them. They'd be okay, & the best thing is that I'd get to see them again- forever! I don't mean to sound like I have it all figured out, b/c I don't. I struggle w/ worrying all the time. I often need to remind myself of what is true. And all the time I need to pray. When I feel myself starting to go the 'worst situation' I need to pray. I need to pray for my family every day b/c I love them so much!!
sorry... I guess this post would have been better in my private journal than on our blog for everyone to read. ;)